As yourself...

Christ said to love our neighbors as ourselves. That means to love other people with the same love that we hold for our own lives. Most times this gets translated into put others first...treat others the way you want to be treated...etc. What if you don't love yourself?

Does it work the other way?

If I don't appreciate the supreme gift that is my life can I truly value somebody else's? If I don't see myself as the beautiful child of God that He is slowly and painstakingly pruning to be part of His Son's own Bride, if I don't stand in awe at my own insignificant nature that His love transforms into something priceless and treasured, if I don't respect that my body really is His dwelling pace, a temple crafted for His glory and perfect in all it's "flaws," if I don't truly, honestly and wholeheartedly love myself for who I am in Christ...how could I ever know what it means to love one another as ourselves?

Just a thought.

I may add more later.

You Can't Go Home Again...

*Disclaimer- The author of this post is not responsible for any cheesiness in the post that follows. It's not her fault, she is in love, deal with it.

I have a few thoughts on that phrase and they are as follows....

Why do people say that? What do they mean by it? Do they mean that if you stay gone a really long time, like years or something, the place will have changed so much in one direction and you in another that it ceases to be the same place that you left and you can't get back to the way it was before? Well if so then that is as true and obvious a statement as "you're only young once." So why is it that we need to be reminded? Maybe lots of people remember with fondness, and a false sense of utopia, their old home town. Maybe they all picture sitting with their friends reading books on a lawn or daily visits to the soda shop and exploiting the local library.

This I can understand because that is what I remember most about Davidson North Carolina. Maybe part of moving back was a quest for something so long sought and so tragically lost. I still remember the pain and tears and tantrums when we were told once again that we would be packing everything up and moving, this time to a new state. Poor Georgia, we hated you so and it wasn't your fault. So maybe in some aspects it was an attempt at healing that eleven year old wound left on the heart of an eleven year old girl.

So what did the move actually teach me? Well it neither proved nor denied the truth in the statement "you can't go home again." I did reconnect with old friends and we were able to reform the bond that held us and strengthen it beyond imagination. I did for the first time feel like I was "home." I learned that I don't really have a home in the sense of a geographical place on Earth, I've moved too many times for that. What I have are people that love me, care for me and accept me.

As corny as it sounds I may not have learned whether or not you can truly go home again, but I did learn that "home is where the heart is" is about the truest statement ever painted onto wooden plaques by little old ladies in craft shows. I think maybe when we moved so quickly I left my heart in North Carolina, which would explain why crossing that state line always sent waves of joy over me. So naturally at some point in my life I had to go back and retrieve it before I could give it to somebody else. And as soon as I did that that feeling of being "home" transferred to a little apartment in the bottom floor of a dorm in Carrollton, Georgia. And I suddenly discovered I was very far from it.

So in a twist of poetic irony I found myself making the same move I did half my life ago, only this time under my own power, rejoicing at the sight of the Georgia welcome sign and the sweet sound of Norm's voice over the radio........"Welcome home."

A Farewell...

Well I won't be blogging for the next several days since I'm MOVING tomorrow and Saturday. I think I'm going to be sick! Here we go again...

Once again two things I want are mutually exclusive and I have to leave one to get to the other. Once again I will leave alot of people confused and possibly hurt. Once again my life is about to be loaded up into a vehicle and driven far away.

Now I don't want anyone in Georgia thinking that I'm not excited about getting to be near them, or that I'm not overjoyed at the prospect of living within ten minutes of Norm, but I'm going through the transition so it may sound that way.

So here's to North Carolina and everything it's given over the last several months...

To Megan for being the most amazing roommate ever and for helping make our apartment a home and for all the meals you cooked for me and for honestly thinking about cleaning and for the pies and ironing my clothes and dragging Elisabeth and I out of bed so that you could feed us. For supporting all my decisions even if some of them took some convincing.

To Elisabeth for bringing so much laughter and ridiculousness into my life. For keeping me in touch with reality, but joining me when I drifted from it. For all the midnight cookiedough and grilled cheese sandwiches. For that late night trip to the ocean ; ) For watching Bo for the weekend and even letting him sleep in the bed, I appreciate the sacrifice. For being our roommate.

To Sensei Darian for all the time and effort you put into this yellow belt. For all the individual attention and the support when I needed it most. Also for giving me the room with the fireplace and the giant queen sized airbed.

To Shelly for being an amazing workout partner and friend and putting up with all my suckiness. For all the times you made me keep working at a throw until I had it right only to have to start over again the next time.

To Tristan and Shawn for enjoying beating me up just a little too much, and for taking all my big talk in stride and then making me tap out over and over and over and....well just thanks.

To the rest of the North Carolina judoka, thank you all for your dedication to the sport and to your students and fellow judoka.

I know most of these people don't, and probably never will, read this, but I wanted it out there anyway. It makes me feel a little bit better about the abruptness of the move. This place became more of a home in three months than anywhere I've ever been, but it was made that way by people, and if nothing else it taught me the value of having a home and surrounding yourself with people that truly love you.

So I do appreciate everything that I learned over these last several months, it was exactly what I needed when I needed it. Now it's time to look forward though and I have an insane amount of things to do today so in a final toast...

here's to you North Carolina I will miss you dearly!

Moving.....again

So it looks like I'm going to get to fulfill my desire to take off sooner than expected...I may be moving back down to Georgia this weekend. It's not exactly a roadtrip....it would be more of a full fledged emergency mode evacuation at the last minute, but hey, beggars can't be choosers....

Wanderlust

I'm reading Steinbeck's Travels with Charley about his trek across the United States back in the fifties. It makes me ache to travel. He talks about places that I have been and it reminds me of the wonder that filled my own soul upon discovery. He speaks of places I haven't been and I'm filled with a burning curiosity to meet them myself and to see things that he hasn't seen. To relearn what once captured my imagination and to visit new places that I've never even thought to imagine.

I need a road trip...I need someplace different to see and to know and to experience. I have been relatively stable over the last several months, but that feeling that never quite dies is starting to creep over me again. I have no desire to move long-term to any new location, I just desire to be moving. I need a roadtrip. A ride to someplace new...

"When I was very young and the urge to be someplace else was upon me I was assured by mature people that maturity would cure this itch...I fear the disease is incurable."

Well said John, well said.

Other Blogs...

It occurred to me that some of you may be missing out on the brilliance that is my circle of friends so here is a short list of splendid people....

Marc Baumgardner

Megan DeLuca

Elisabeth Edwards

Jonathan Skolrood

Their thoughts, musings and comments on life daily remind me what is beautiful and worthy of being sought. May you derive as much inspiration from their insight as I do.

Cooking without Megan

In what can only be described as a story to challenge the "how to light a candle..." story, I tried to cook today. Megan is gone and while Norm prodded me to go to the grocery store I just couldn't quite convince myself to do that when I still had edible things in the house so.....

I began by boiling water....good start

then I got a box of pasta....also good

then I put the pasta in the water....now we were getting somewhere

Then I noticed a can of chicken broth and it dawned on me....chicken noodle soup....genius!!!

Well I have peas also...I've seen peas in chicken noodle soup and I know they put peas in chicken pot pie....so maybe a bit risky but what the hell...I dumped a can of peas into the chicken broth that was heating up while my noodles were cooking....so far still doing all right.

Then it happened, in a startling twist of fate I noticed the can of tuna...and in my cooking genius state of mind that I was in it only seemed logical....tuna is a pretty basic plain meat, sort of has chicken texture. Surely if I put this in the pot with the peas and chicken broth it will end up tasting like chicken.....and so it began.

In all my cooking glory I rinsed and dumped the tuna into the pot as well....

Have you ever gone to the ocean and gotten out of the car and thought...geez what a horrible dead fish smell and you wait for your nostrils to adjust?...imagine all that fun but without the sand and surf and seashells. Just the smell. The horrible, something just puked up something rotten that had eaten a poisoned fish carcass smell. And you don't adjust.

It was so pungent I thought well maybe if I put the noodles into the pot anyway it will help...and I unceremoniously dumped the ill fated noodles into the liquid stench.

Poor noodles.

Well at this point I had put so much effort toward this meal that by golly I was going to eat it so I poured a heaping helping into a bowl topped it with plenty of butter and salt, the logic behind this action will not even attempt to be explained at this point, and I ate it.

Most of it anyway.....

Okay some of it.

In truth it didn't taste quite like the impending death the smell promised but it was that smell that I just could not escape. By the time you smell it in the bowl and then the spoon there is no way I was going to convince my mouth that it was a worthy addition to the contents of my stomach.

Bo was thrilled.

I ate spaghetti.

Please come home Megan.

An engaging story

So I know I haven't posted in a while I apologize....I was busy getting ENGAGED!!!!!!! Which all of you probably know at this point. So there you go, dad no longer has to call and harass me every time he hears Desperado, and mom doesn't have to worry that the divorce screwed me up for life.

How do I feel about the whole thing?....AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Couldn't be happier.....unless of course I wasn't six hours away, that would be nice. Not to say that I don't adore Megan and living with her and North Carolina in general, it's just....

Okay it's pathetic is what it is, me with all my leaving on a whim and not looking back and tramping around the country and world and now I can't leave a boy without crying and aching and wanting desperately to be back with him. And I wouldn't trade that feeling for all the insane adventures in the world.

I found something more beautiful than Zion, more thrilling than Moai, more inspiring than Machu Picchu, and more calming than Big Sur and the rolling hills of California, yet what amazes me most........is that he loves me too.

Who Am I?

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

~ Casting Crowns

A year in sentences

So following Megan's example to follow somebody else's example, revealing my secret desire to be Megan in every aspect, here are the first sentences to the first blog for every month of the last year....

January: I wonder sometimes why me and my dog get along so well.

February: Here is just a random list of things that bring joy to my face.....

March: Where oh where has my competitive spirit gone?

April: Ocassionaly I feel like my life is a movie and I'm just watching from the outside.

May: So it's all over...I made it through and on Wednesday May 10th 2006 I will officially be a college graduate.

June: Well I´ve been in Surco, a district of Lima, for almost a week now. (Peru Blog)

July: No blogging, still in Peru.

August: No blogging, still in Peru.

September: It's good to be home after three months in Peru, it's amazing how it seemed like I had lived there for years and now it already feels like a dream.

October: AHHHHHHHH I'm trying to move in a week, I have packed nothing!

November: So my roomies computer went down which means that free wireless at the complex doesn't do us a whole lot of good.

December: Paradigm Shift


So that's it...a year at a glance. What an incredible year it was too.

All in good time...

So I would just like to point out to all the people that think that me getting a boyfriend is insane or somehow against my nature...

I have successfully kept a dog for almost three years, a pair of goldfish for a year and a half, a plant for a year, and said boyfriend for two months.

When I checked this morning they were all still alive and seemed to be doing quite well actually.

I think this speaks volumes for how much I've grown up over the last couple of years, considering that I'm pretty sure I was resposible for my gerbils death, and the frogs, and countless fish, and a few plants.

Also I would like to say that I think the idea of starting with a plant is ridiculous. Do you have any idea how easy it is to kill a plant? I think if you are going to run through the chain of difficulty you should actually start with something that won't let you kill it. Or will at least protest loudly to any attempts, whether through will or neglect. So in that case a plant is really what you should be working up.

Just a thought.

Commitment and Guilt

So I turned Pal, the cocker spaniel, in to the local no-kill shelter. We just couldn't have the two dogs in one apartment. Last night a he cried like crazy and then in the morning as I pulled undergarments out of his mouth I couldn't wait to see him off. Then I got to the humane society.

I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as he bounced out of the car wondering what this new exciting place could be. As I explained why I was dropping him off I got a little bit dizzy. Then as soon as I handed the leash over I desperately refrained from snatching the leash back and avoided looking at Pal who was flopped out like a mop in traditional Pal style on the floor. When the guy moved away Pal happily followed and when I caught sight, through the doorway, of all the identical kennel runs surrounded by concrete the sick feeling turned to down right nausea and I made a beeline for the car, where I promptly broke down into uncontrolled sobs as I cradled Bo's head in my lap.

I felt like I had betrayed him. He was in my care, happy, healthy, and warm. Now he is in some kennel run with cement floors wondering where his people went. All he wants out of life is a bed, some food, and a tennis ball. All of which I had the power to give him, and now I have no control over what happens. He trusted me and I didn't even have the patience to find him a home myself.

You can tell me all day that he is just a dog. I don't care.

And then there were two...

Well as of right now we have two dogs in the apartment. Crazy I know. I brought home a cocker spaniel in need of much TLC with the intention of dropping it off at a no kill shelter. Megan fell in love. He's a good little dog. He stays in the bathroom without protest...sits and everything on command...plays with toys...basically all the things that Bo does not do.

However another thing he does that Bo does not is reek to high heaven. I mean he is Filthy! I'm wearing down my scissors just trying to cut all the mats out of his wet muddy hair so that I can give him a bath and actually have some success with it. It's disgusting.

So we shall see if he survives...I have to get back to work or else the whole apartment is going to smell like nasty dog.

Comfort

I raced along an empty highway.
I chased the dawn
And cursed the new day,
Out of town, till nobody was around.

Love came along, my favorite enemy,
We hit head-on.
Why you befriended me... I don't know.
There's no need for letting go
When you've already lost control.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Could you be...

You've figured out the warnings
And the reasons why,
You smoothed me out.
I hope you know there's nothing
I could give,
For showing me how to live.

I don't know how
But you know just how I feel.
Sticking out,
Like a dark horse in a snow white field.
Stirred up by the breeze,
Strong but not at peace,
Free but unreleased.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Caught up inside, all I wanna be...
Tried to survive, all alone,
Outside your company.

Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?