Final Stretch.....

Bashed on the rocks like a hard hunted fox...the hard and the easy we take as they come...Let them say what they want, but she won’t stop trying. She might stumble if they push her around, She might fall, but She’d never lie down...broken angel take that plane and finger paint the sky...in this beautiful life there's always some sorrow, it's a double edged knife, but there's always tomorrow...

With hourly pep talks and a little help from Great Big Sea I'll make it through these last two weeks. It's the final stretch....one last paper...one last test...four years of my life are about to come to an end...Here goes nothin' See ya'll on the other side!!!!

Letting go...

I seem to be addicted to leaving. Not being gone, but the actual act of leaving. There is something about crossing that point of no return that I just love. It's a combination of the wave of sadness that comes with walking away, and that thrill of the unknown that accompanies it. That feeling of not quite knowing whether the ground you're about to step on is solid, and the curiosity that overwhelms me to find out what would happen if it's not.

I love not knowing things, I love faith. I love that the only thing I know for sure is that God will take care of me and that nothing else matters. The idea that no matter what happens to me God is still using and working in me, if He wasn't I would have died by now. However, even as a side note of that death is beautiful in that it will mean that God has finished the work that He created me for and it's time to come home.

I've begged God to let me come home before. I pleaded with Him and did my best to convince Him that I had seen enough and I just wanted to be with Him and His Son. He laughed at me with that loving, understanding tenderness that makes up so much of His being. It was that kind of soft, sad laugh that said "my daughter you know nothing of life, of joy, of pain. I have so much more to show you and to do through you." I cried that I didn't understand this world, it didn't make sense. Innocent people paid for the mistakes of others, children had no childhood, my heroes crashed in front of me and love didn't conquer all. "My angel," He said "of course you don't understand all the things of this world, if you did you would be me. People are only human, they will fail you, and this love of yours that you say doesn't conquer all, is a only human form of my perfect love. Take my hand and walk with me, I will show you a life more amazing in all it's tragedy and splendor than you could ever create for yourself."

All this and I still turn from Him. Insane.

Foxes and butterflies...

Ocassionaly I feel like my life is a movie and I'm just watching from the outside. Shut up everyone, I do. Sometimes I narrate what's going on in my head with clever little sidenotes like some autobiography that being spoken into existence. A pair of butterflies were flitting in from my jeep the other day in perfect time to the music on the radio and then I parted them as I drove and watched them reunite in my rearview mirrow and continue their waltz in midair. I thought, that was a particularly well done scene. I mean my life won't win any oscars or anything, but it's not half bad for a low budget film. I never really know what I'm going to do next and keep myself at the edge of my seat. I guess it's actually God that keeps my guessing though.

Ever read those books with alternate endings? Like the one about the fox and he comes to a descision and you turn to a different page for each choice and suffer the rewards or consequences for that path? I used to flip ahead and see what would happen before I picked...the purpose of the book was lost on me, I just wanted my fox to survive. Sometimes I wish I could do that in real life. I suppose it's better not to know since we can't turn back the pages and choose the other one, but still, I half wonder if I just sent myself across a road into the direct path of a semi.